BUSTING THE BLOGGERS BLOCK.

Life is not going great. Life is becoming extremely difficult. Life has been really tough at the minute.

I’ve been extremely absent for the past two months.

There’s no excuse. Well, there is but it’s generic, or at least it feels generic. That typical online excuse of life is overwhelming. I’m not ashamed to say it because it’s the truth, life IS overwhelming, just my mind is telling me that I sound way too generic. However, I think having any sort of influence on the internet, no matter how small it is, that it’s important to break down that fourth wall between blogger and reader – so here I am, talking about how overwhelming life is.

I don’t want to be a Debby Downer though, especially in the month of all things wonderful. That’s right; the blog is back for December and I’m DETERMINED to keep it up. I thought that in order to give you a little more insight into where I’ve been for the past few months with a little life update. After this extremely long-winded blog post, we’re going to hit the festivities and get Christmassy up in here!

Sixth Form

The bane of all my struggles, worries and problems in life at this current moment in time. I know that everyone says that A Levels and Sixth Form are the worst two years of your lives; however, the amount of difficulty that I am currently facing is really taking its toll on me. I’ve got no energy to do anything anymore, even writing an essay or reading a small passage is exhausting – I’ve just nothing useful or interesting to say about anything. Is it just me who seems to be in this sort of funk? Is it the pre-Christmas wind down when all I need is some good old-fashioned sleep? If anyone would like to send me some pre-Christmas energy then it’d be greatly appreciated. 

UCAS

I’M GOING TO UNIVERSITY! If you haven’t been following my social media accounts, more specifically Twitter, you won’t have seen that I got ALL FIVE of my university offers. There was a lot of mixed emotions whilst waiting for my offers; there was a lot of worry and panic over what I should’ve changed in my application whilst waiting, there was a lot of cheering when I got each of my offers, but there were tears of sheer joy when I received an offer from my top choice university. Knowing that there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel after sixth form has made me determined to do really well and try my best. I’m definitely going to be writing so university and application process blog posts over the next couple of months with it being something that I love to read about and watch YouTube videos on.

Blogger’s Block

Now, this is something that I’ve never had to deal with during my time on the blogosphere, but I guess it was going to come around eventually. No matter how well I wrote a blog post or got all the photos ready or planned a schedule it was absolutely impossible to be proud of something that I’d written, and I definitely wasn’t going to upload something that I wasn’t happy with. However, I think taking a prolonged break from the Internet has been a good thing for me, I mean I feel rejuvenated in what I want to write about and I’m excited to see what the New Year brings for our little corner on the blogosphere. Let me know if there’s anything that you definitely want to see throughout the New Year and well into 2018!

Christmas

In the month of all things merry I definitely want to end this blog post on a high note. December and Christmas are most definitely my favourite time of the year, and this year is definitely no different! The countdown to Christmas is most definitely on and the fact that I only have a few days left at sixth form until the holidays makes me so unbelievably happy. I have no idea what I’m getting for Christmas but I’m so excited about that because it leaves all the mystery to Christmas. I’ve cracked out the dark lipsticks, the red party dress and the tacky Christmas jumper, and I couldn’t be more excited! Do you know what you’re getting for Christmas? Are there any Christmas parties you’re going to? What are you excited about for Christmas? I want to know so leave a comment down below.

There it is my return to the blogosphere and a couple of things that I’ve been up to whilst I’ve been M.I.A. However, as we get back into the swing of things I want to start reading some new blogs and connecting with more bloggers, so leave me your links down below and I’ll give your blog a cheeky little look.

♥

A YEAR AT SIXTH FORM.

Even with the dark days, the tears and the lack of belief in myself I’ve made it out the other side of my first year of sixth form and although it might sound big headed, I couldn’t be prouder of myself for being able to state that fact for you. I know many say that sixth form is possibly the hardest thing that they’ve ever done education wise but I can safely say that this year of sixth form has been possibly the hardest thing that I’ve ever done and will ever do. However, don’t let this put you off. Although it felt like this past school year has been absolutely awful there were some good times that came with it. I thought that I’d talk you through my year at sixth form and my overall experience of it. Let’s all head off on this adventure together.

When October 2015 came around I knew that it was time for me to start looking at sixth forms as well as applying to them. After being at my high school for five years, I knew it was time for a change, I felt that I’d gotten everything out of my high school that I could so I needed to go somewhere new in order to find what I needed. That’s when I attended an Open Evening for the sixth form that I’m currently attending. I felt like I fitted in there, the teachers who were going to be teaching my A Levels (English Literature, English Language and History) all seemed wonderful and the way that the sixth form was run made me feel really comfortable. In the end, it was the only sixth form that I applied for because it was where I knew I wanted to go and settling wasn’t an option for me. Results day came around and luckily, I got the grades that I needed.

For the first couple of weeks, I really struggled, moving schools was actually a lot more difficult for me than I’d originally thought. I’d left all my friends who I’d been to school with since the age of four, the step up from GCSE’s to A Level’s really is as big as they say and I was thrown into a situation in which everyone had been friends with each other for years. I felt like the tiniest fish in the biggest ocean imaginable. However, slowly I started to settle.  I made friends with quite a few people, my teachers seemed to like me and the idea of getting on the public bus every morning was not nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be.

My confidence was on an up; I didn’t feel nervous to put my hand up during lessons, I didn’t feel awkward asserting myself in a conversation and even though it might seem insignificant but for the first time in about three years I felt comfortable going to school without an ounce of makeup on my face. Genuinely, I felt like I belonged at my sixth form and that I’d made the decision that I had. Then rock bottom came. I think I hit rock bottom harder than anyone has before, I might have possibly broken rock bottom at the pace that I hit it. There we a lot of things that led to this, both personal and sixth form based but it really knocked my confidence. I couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks straight and then a further week, I just hated going and really felt like giving on sixth form altogether.

Friends started to disappear, grades started slipping and attendance was shocking, however, my teachers didn’t give up on me. They really have helped me through the remainder of this year and do fairly okay in my exams which I for sure thought I was going to fail. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard truth time, I don’t particularly enjoy going to sixth form – I find it really difficult, not so much education wise but instead people wise. I have friends but I just never particularly feel comfortable anymore. I’m hoping that these six weeks give me time to refresh and I face September with a different attitude.

Sixth form isn’t easy, there’s no hiding that fact. It’s one of the toughest periods of time during anyone’s education but if you can find the right people who will be there to support you then it does make it that tiny bit easy. Without the help of the teachers and friends that I’ve had this past year I genuinely don’t think I’d still be at sixth form.

Although I’ve found sixth form difficult there have been some amazing opportunities that I’ve been given this past school year that I would never have gotten if I hadn’t moved schools. Some of my highlights include being a mentor to some of the younger years which will help on my personal statement, meeting possibly one of the best humans ever who has now become an extremely close friend of mine and finally I got to go see Matilda in the West End. There is another blog post to come all about my trip to London but without the sixth form I’m at it would’ve been unlikely that I’d ever be able to go and see Matilda, let alone in the West End. It was possibly one of the best trips that I’ve ever been on and was an amazing way to end the school year.

I don’t know what the future holds in regards to sixth form but right now I’m just glad that I’ve finished my first year and am glad that I have these six weeks to refresh and gather my thoughts.

If you've just finished your first year at sixth form, how do you think that you did?

♥

SUMMER READING LIST

I finally, finally completed my first year of sixth form! Cue the congratulatory music and all that jazz. In order to celebrate the upcoming summer holidays, I thought that I'd share with you all of the books that I'm planning on reading. Some of these are for English Literature coursework, however, most of them are for pleasure or leisure, maybe both. Instead of telling you what the books are about in my own words I thought that I would tell you all about the books through the power of Goodreads. If you're a book addict then I highly recommend that you get a Goodreads account. After setting up an account you can save the books you've read, the books you want to read and the books that you're currently reading. It's literally like an online library.

The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins

EVERY DAY THE SAME

Rachel takes the same commuter train every morning and night. Every day she rattles down the track, flashes past a stretch of cozy suburban homes, and stops at the signal that allows her to daily watch the same couple breakfasting on their deck. She’s even started to feel like she knows them. Jess and Jason, she calls them. Their life—as she sees it—is perfect. Not unlike the life she recently lost.
UNTIL TODAY
And then she sees something shocking. It’s only a minute until the train moves on, but it’s enough. Now everything’s changed. Unable to keep it to herself, Rachel goes to the police. But is she really as unreliable as they say? Soon she is deeply entangled not only in the investigation but in the lives of everyone involved. Has she done more harm than good?

The Stone Gods by Jeanette Winterson

On the airwaves, all the talk is of the new blue planet - pristine and habitable, like our own 65 million years ago, before we took it to the edge of destruction. And off the air, Billie and Spike are falling in love. What will happen when their story combines with the world's story.

Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard

This is a world divided by blood – red or silver.
The Reds are commoners, ruled by a Silver elite in possession of god-like superpowers. And to Mare Barrow, a seventeen-year-old Red girl from the poverty-stricken Stilts, it seems like nothing will ever change.
That is, until she finds herself working in the Silver Palace. Here, surrounded by the people she hates the most, Mare discovers that, despite her red blood, she possesses a deadly power of her own. One that threatens to destroy the balance of power.
Fearful of Mare’s potential, the Silvers hide her in plain view, declaring her a long-lost Silver princess, now engaged to a Silver prince. Despite knowing that one misstep would mean her death, Mare works silently to help the Red Guard, a militant resistance group, and bring down the Silver regime.
But this is a world of betrayal and lies, and Mare has entered a dangerous dance – Reds against Silvers, prince against prince, and Mare against her own heart.

Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb

Young Fitz is the bastard son of the noble Prince Chivalry, raised in the shadow of the royal court by his father’s gruff stableman. He is treated as an outcast by all the royalty except the devious King Shrewd, who has him secretly tutored in the arts of the assassin. For in Fitz’s blood runs the magic Skill—and the darker knowledge of a child raised with the stable hounds and rejected by his family.
As barbarous raiders ravage the coasts, Fitz is growing to manhood. Soon he will face his first dangerous, soul-shattering mission. And though some regard him as a threat to the throne, he may just be the key to the survival of the kingdom.

Royal Assassin by Robin Hobb

Fitz has survived his first hazardous mission as king’s assassin, but is left little more than a cripple. Battered and bitter, he vows to abandon his oath to King Shrewd, remaining in the distant mountains. But love and events of terrible urgency draw him back to the court at Buckkeep, and into the deadly intrigues of the royal family.
Renewing their vicious attacks on the coast, the Red-Ship Raiders leave burned-out villages and demented victims in their wake. The kingdom is also under assault from within, as treachery threatens the throne of the ailing king. In this time of great danger, the fate of the kingdom may rest in Fitz’s hands—and his role in its salvation may require the ultimate sacrifice.

Girl Online Going Solo by Zoe Sugg

As Penny starts the school year she's ready to face the world - alone. Noah has gone off the radar after ending his world tour early and no one, including Penny, knows where he is. So when she accepts Megan's invitation to visit her performing arts school it seems like an opportunity to make some new friends.
Helping everyone else seems to be the right remedy - Elliot needs her friendship more than ever, and she meets Posey, who she can really help with her stage fright. But is charming Scottish boy Callum the right kind of distraction? And can Penny truly move on when Noah's shadow seems to haunt her round every corner?

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

A searing, post apocalyptic novel destined to become Cormac McCarthy’s masterpiece.
A father and his son walk alone through burned America. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind. It is cold enough to crack stones, and when the snow falls it is gray. The sky is dark. Their destination is the coast, although they don’t know what, if anything, awaits them there. They have nothing; just a pistol to defend themselves against the lawless bands that stalk the road, the clothes they are wearing, a cart of scavenged food—and each other.

It's Not Me, It's You by Mhairi McFarlane

Delia Moss isn’t quite sure where she went wrong.
When she proposed and discovered her boyfriend was sleeping with someone else – she thought it was her fault.
When she realised life would never be the same again – she thought it was her fault.
And when he wanted her back life nothing had changed – Delia started to wonder if perhaps she was not to blame…
From Newcastle to London and back again, with dodgy jobs, eccentric bosses and annoyingly handsome journalists thrown in, Delia must find out where her old self went – and if she can ever get her back.

I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

I come from a country that was created at midnight. When I almost died it was just after midday.
When the Taliban took control of the Swat Valley in Pakistan, one girl spoke out. Malala Yousafzai refused to be silenced and fought for her right to an education.
On Tuesday, October 9, 2012, when she was fifteen, she almost paid the ultimate price. She was shot in the head at point-blank range while riding the bus home from school, and few expected her to survive. 
Instead, Malala's miraculous recovery has taken her on an extraordinary journey from a remote valley in northern Pakistan to the halls of the United Nations in New York. At sixteen, she has become a global symbol of peaceful protest and the youngest-ever Nobel Peace Prize laureate.
I Am Malala is the remarkable tale of a family uprooted by global terrorism, of the fight for girls' education, of a father who, himself a school owner, championed and encouraged his daughter to write and attend school, and of brave parents who have a fierce love for their daughter in a society that prizes sons.

So there it is the list of books that I'm hopefully *fingers crossed* going to read throughout the upcoming weeks. I might finish them all, I might not, who knows? I've at least got to finish two of these books for coursework purposes but there are a few of these that I desperately want to read. Here's hoping.

♥

2017 GOALS | A SIX MONTH REVIEW

We're just over six months in. Even writing that is mind boggling to me. I mean it's been six months since I stood in my living room with my mum and my two sisters eagerly counting down the remaining ten seconds of 2016, anticipating the year that was ahead of us. At the start of a new year like many other people I like to make a set of 'resolutions' of sorts, however, this year I decided to call them goals and not make it my every waking moments task to complete these. If I did them, I did them and that was an accomplishment but if I didn't do them that wasn't to make me feel like a failure. I thought that today, seeing as we're half way through the year that I would do a little review on how I'm doing with all the goals that I set myself in January.

A Year Of Self Love.

I've found this one so difficult I almost scrapped it from my 2017 goals completely. Self-love was something that I was really intrigued by last year, and something that I was really focused on when January 1st came around. However, my life kind of fell to shit in the last couple of months, that's partly why I haven't been blogging, and I just felt so awful about myself that I knew that this wasn't how it was supposed to feel when try to complete a year of self-love. We’ve got just under six months left of this year, which I will be glad to see the back of but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still try out my self-love experiment. Here’s hoping.

Get Outside.

Mud has probably been spread over every single pair of shoes that I own now. Throughout the year so far me and my little sister have gone out a lot with my dad to various places within the National Forest and Calke Abbey, along with lots of other places, which means lots and lots of walking. At first I thought I was going to absolutely loathe this, however, these days have sometimes turned out to be some of the best days with picking up a meal deal from Tesco’s as well as way too many sweets, taking lots of pretty pictures and laughing until tears are streaming down our faces. I’ve really enjoyed taking really long walks with some of my favourite people, I hope to continue this with the summer holidays just around the corner.

Get The Cat Down To A Tee.

I have done rather well at this goal so far. As you all know if you read my original blog post about my 2017 goals, I couldn’t do cat flick eyeliner for the life of me, however, I am glad to report that slowly we’re getting there. It’s still a rather thick line at the moment. Personally, I quite like that look but I know that there’s definite room for improvement. To all of you pro’s out there what are some of your tips for the liner amateurs out there? The sooner I can get the flick down to a tee the better, then I can slay all day long.

Pass My Driving Test.

Sadly, this goal has been put on pause indefinitely. Not only are driving lessons CRAZY EXPENSIVE but there’s also been a lot going on in my personal life which has taken over absolutely everything in my life. I just think that it’s not worth the stress right now, I mean I’m not going to be able to drive straight away once I pass because I can’t afford a car. Maybe I’ll learn next year or during the summer of my first year of university. Who knows? Just right now it’s not one of my main priorities.

Don't Promise To Work Out.

This is a goal that I’ve kind of done a 360 turn on. Working out is something that I loathe, like many of the population, so I decided that working out wouldn’t be one of my priorities this year. Then I fell down the stairs because my hip cracked causing my leg to go out from under me, there was no damage though. To cut a long story short, I’ve been going to physiotherapy for a fair few months now in order to try and work up both the strength in my hips and my core strength. I’ve been going to a couple of exercises classes at the hospital in order to try and do this, so I’ve not been going in order to lose weight but I am noticing a difference along with all the walking I do. I’m still not too fond on the whole running thing yet.

We’ve got a bit of a mixed bag with some goals being much more complete than others, however, I’m not kicking myself for not completing all of them yet – we’ve still got a couple of months to go. Have you kept up the resolutions or goals that you set yourself at the start of the year?

♥

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE BY J.D. SALINGER | BOOK REVIEW

A confusing tale about a boy who aimlessly wanders around his hometown of New York after being thrown out of his posh grammar school. The Catcher in the Rye is a classic novel that seems to be a staple on many people’s bookshelf but until a couple of weeks ago I’d never even touched the book. I’m quite undecided about how I feel about the book as a whole, but I thought that I’d share my overall thoughts with you anyhow in order to give you a review on the book that seems to have confused my mind thoroughly.

Before I get into all my thoughts and feelings surrounding the book I’ll give you the synopsis of the book itself. “Holden Caulfield is a seventeen- year-old dropout who has just been kicked out of his fourth school. Navigating his way through the challenges of growing up, Holden dissects the 'phoney' aspects of society, and the 'phonies' themselves: the headmaster whose affability depends on the wealth of the parents, his roommate who scores with girls using sickly-sweet affection. Written with the clarity of a boy leaving childhood behind, The Catcher in the Rye explores the world with disarming frankness and a warm, affecting charisma which has made this novel a universally loved classic of twentieth-century literature.”

I was given this book by a friend from school in my English Literature class. Now, this exact copy of the book had been passed around quite a few people in our friendship group from English Literature and everyone had extremely different opinions about it. Someone thought it was revolutionary, others understood the creative brilliance of Salinger and others outright hated it. I entered reading the book with lots of different opinions circling my mind which now thinking about it could’ve possibly clouded my judgement about the book. Anyhow, with multiple judgements swimming around in my mind I eagerly jumped right into reading the book on my way home from sixth form the day I was lent it.

Before I was even five chapters in I realised that this book was not one of “normal” standards, it was actually far from it. The book itself was almost a collection of ramblings rather than a story, even as I read more and more of the book I never felt as if there was an end point, it just kind of felt like it was going to carry on forever because Holden’s ramblings carried on. However, unlike many of the people who I know that have read the book, I quite enjoyed the ramblings because it matched my thought process and stream of consciousness a lot where it was quite sporadic and so many things were happening at once that it almost hurt my brain to try and process all of that information. That probably sounds pretty unenjoyable to most of you, however, when you're trying to figure out the way that the story is going to unfold it's actually quite enjoyable.

Overall, I feel as if there should've been five or six extra chapters added onto the end of the book itself. I just felt like the book ended at an extremely odd place and nothing was ever really explained. I don't know whether I was the only person to feel this way but I finished the book feeling rather incomplete about what happened to Holden and his little sister and even Stradlater. There were a lot of unanswered questions running through my mind once I closed the book and I really wish that I could get the answers to them.

So Mr Salinger, if in another life we meet you can expect a long conversation about your thoroughly confusing, but quite brilliant novel.

♥

FEMINIST AS FUCK.

Feminism; the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes. That's the definition of that terrible "F" word that thousands upon thousands of people are terrified of because it leads to the possibility that women might just be boss ass bitches. That we could all have the same opportunities, the same pay, the same everything. In the past three months there's been a lot to think about and in the past week there's been even more. It's been difficult to explain how I feel, I've come to write this blog post multiple times in the last week and I haven't known what to say but I've realised that there's never going to be enough words to express my upset and anger and determination. I can however try to explain how I feel and how other people are feeling so that's what I'm doing.

The morning after the election America fell silent, the world fell silent. It was as if we'd stepped into this parallel universe and no one quite knew where to stand or what to do or what to say. Everyone felt empty, as if a part of their lives had been ripped from their minds, hearts and souls. There was this deafening silence, even though everyone was talking about what had happened, there was just this deafening silence that didn't seem to go away. For the past three months I think we've all been in shock. It's been as if we've been waiting for someone to come and pinch us and we would've woken up with progress but it never happened. Our eyes were left wide, red and swollen at the realisation as to what was going to happen. We felt like throwing up, we felt disappointed, we felt lonely. We were fearful for our lives, and the lives of others.

Then the anger came. We were angry at ourselves, we were angry at the 53% of white women, we were angry at the Democratic party, we were so angry and there was no way of explaining just how angry we were. Our anger grew because of what had happened, it grew because of tweets, it grew because of TIME Magazine's Person of the Year. It almost seemed ridiculous that we were angry at a misogynistic, racist, sexist, bigoted, orange-faced liar in the sense that it seemed as if a person like that could actually exist and a person like that was actually going to run the most powerful country in the world. It just kept growing and growing and growing until it overflowed and we realised, not just women, but humanity realised we had to, we needed to fight back. We had to fight back for ourselves, our mothers before us and our future daughters.

Friday 20th January 2017 came around and humanity stood again but not silent. We stood stronger, sharing tears but realising that this wasn't the end, we were going to fight back against a misogynistic, racist, sexist, bigoted, orange-faced liar and no matter what happened we were going to fight back hard. Whether it was through social media or showing up and speaking up we were going to become a force to be reckoned with bigger and stronger than any other force that had decided to fight back against the patriarchy.  

Saturday 21st January 2017. Seven Continents. 60+ Countries. 5M+ People Total. Women's March spread throughout the world and we came out in our thousands. Women, men and children walked alongside one another in solidarity for the women who are terrified for what is going to happen to their rights but that didn't matter in that moment. What mattered is that people showed up to tell the US Government that we weren't going away quietly and we were and are going to fight with every single ounce of our beings. Endless signs showed that, they showed our anger and determination. Though people said our efforts failed I don't think they realised what we were marching for, we weren't marching for everything to change right there and then, we were marching to show that whatever Trump and his cabinet decided to throw at us that we weren't going to accept it willingly, there was always and is always going to be someone for them to fight against. It was to show that we weren't a forgotten group. It was to show WE MATTER.

So where do we go from here? Eight days after the Inauguration. Seven days after the Women's March. The rights on what we do with our bodies has already started to be taken away from us and that does make this all a lot more real now. This is reality; for the next four years this is how we're going to live. We're going to live in a constant battle but we're not going to be alone. Turn to your left or your right and no matter whether your sat next to a man or woman, old or young, black or white, gay or straight, their is a feminist less than a foot away from you and that's what we need to remember. We are not a minority, we are the majority. 

I am #FeministAsFuck and Proud.

♥

WHERE I'M AT WITH MY BODY CONFIDENCE.

So if there's one thing that I'd like to say that I'm an advocate of here on my blog it's body confidence. I feel as if over the two years that I've had this blog that I've discussed weight problems, body image, self consciousness and body confidence a lot but I never feel as if it's enough. I think that if I just talked about body confidence once and then put it aside in a corner of my blog then it would get forgotten about but revisiting the subject I think has helped cement in my mind the idea of body confidence and body image and why it's so important to me. All I wanted to do today was discuss where I'm personally at with my body confidence because I think when one person discusses how they feel that it makes it a lot easier for others to talk about how they're feeling.

Body confidence and body image is something that I've always struggled with, I know everyone says that, but I think my relationship with body confidence and body image is slightly different to what the typical person has. When I was younger, before I hit the teenage years, I was relatively thin - my family commented on it quite a lot, not just my close knit family but also my extended family whenever I'd go to family parties. At the time when I was eight, nine and ten I don't think I realised how much it affected me until a certain comment was made once by a family member and I can remember the comment vividly. 

I was sat in a family members house and they turned to my mum and said, "Chloe looks a bit bigger than she did last time, she looks different in that shirt." It was one of those moments that I now realised when that seed of self consciousness was planted in my mind for the simple fact that a family member had made that comment. I also remember that I was wearing my favourite shirt which was a tartan red, button down shirt which tied at the bottom and had no sleeves, when we got back home from that trip I threw that shirt out because I couldn't stand the idea that if a family member had said that, I didn't know what everyone else was saying. 

However, I don't think it was until I entered my teenage years that I realised that what I did was because I was self conscious in my own body and realised that my body was changing in a way I didn't want it; my hips were getting bigger, I was getting boobs, I had a waist. I thought I was going to be happy with all of this, I'd finally feel like a grown up, but it only added to my self conscious thoughts about my body image. Knowing that I wasn't as thin as I used to be was a really big issue that I had to try and deal with, and it wasn't easy by a long stretch. I think the moment I realised I had to stop 'hating my body' if that's the right wording for it was when I was sat with my friends in the music room at lunch was and I was staring at my friends thinking 'I wish I could be as thin as they were' but then one of them said that they wished that they had my figure instead of being stick thin, they wished that they had a waist and an hourglass figure. That's when I realised that enough was enough. As much as I might have wanted to be thinner again there were people who wanted to look like I did.

Social Media is something that has had a massive affect on how I viewed and now view my body. With exercise, thigh gaps, stick thin models being shoved down my throat I really think that I got a twisted view on how I had to look. Social standards made me think the only way I could be successful was to be stick thin and tall, and that just wasn't and still isn't me. It never will be. I think there needs to be a change in social media to help promote people, not just girls, but people of all sizes and shapes because even though top magazines like Vogue and Cosmopolitan might not view people as 'beautiful' if they're not six foot tall and thin but the reality is that no one looks like that, not even models. 

Over the past two years I've really become an advocate of being comfortable in your own skin. After an injury I had which landed me on crutches for ten months or so and having everyone stare at me and talk about me I realised that it didn't matter what other people thought, as long as I was happy that was all that mattered. I'm not saying it's been easy, there have definitely been moments where I've hated my body, especially when I started Sixth Form and everyone seemed to be so much thinner than me, but I think working through those has really helped me with my confidence. I think clothing has really helped me with my confidence. For a long time period I stuck with what I knew I looked okay in but over the past six months I've really started experimenting with what I wear because I've realised that if I feel confident in what I'm wearing then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says.

I still have moments of if I eat healthily and go to the gym then I'll get the body I really want but then I remember that I'm not that person who eats healthily or enjoys going to the gym, I have the appetite of a three-year-old and I think going to the gym would make me feel more self conscious compared to doing anything else. Taking charge of your own body and being able to stand in front of a mirror in your underwear and being able to say 'This is me and I'm happy with what I look like and that's all that matters' then you've done it. You've been able to overcome the backhanded comments and whisperings from your family, the stares of strangers or people in your year group when you wear something that they don't think looks right on you, and most importantly you've been able to overcome your own private thoughts about yourself.

Recently my friend asked me to do a photo shoot in order to help her with her art project for A Level and for the projections she wanted to do she told me that I had to stand in a classroom at school in my underwear. At first when she mentioned the idea I was so self conscious but I agreed to it because she's one of my best friends and I'd do anything for her. When the day of the shoot came I felt physically sick, I thought she wasn't going to like the photos because of how I looked etc., however, once she started taking the photos my confidence grew and she told me genuinely loved the photos. Upon seeing them I fell in love with them and the girl who was in the photos, this confident kick-ass girl and for the past couple of weeks I've really carried her close to my heart. At first I was just going to keep the photos to myself but because I felt so confident in my own body I've put a couple in here.

So what do I want to come from this blog post? That's a good question. I know that this blog post has sounded awfully braggy but that's not how I've meant it to sound. I wanted you to know that if you're suffering with body confidence and body image issues that you're not alone. It might be hard sometimes to really feel amazing in your own body but I can assure you that you're amazing, no matter how you look because you're kick-ass and as long as you feel confident then it doesn't matter. Also, don't forget that the celebrity you think looks perfect probably has days like you do, so don't think that they're any different to you. 

♥

THE A TO Z OF ME.

I saw this blog post on Steph Louise's blog and immediately loved it. The basic idea of 'THE A TO Z OF ME' blog post is that you list the alphabet and then match one word to every letter along with a little fact to go with it. I feel as if I've not really opened up to all of you on my blog but we're going to change that today with this blog post. I'm quite excited for you all to read this blog post so I think we should just get straight into it!

A - Author - my dream job
B - Blogging - one of the most stressful but amazing things that I've ever done
C - Christmas - my most favourite time of the year!
D - DiCaprio - the greatest love of my life, Leonardo DiCaprio
E - English - what most of my life is taken up with, I do both Literature and Language as A Levels
F - Fashion - how do people look fashionable on the daily, I'm sat in a baggy shirt and leggings
G - Gaga - I'm a Little Monster and proud, Gaga is literally such a big inspiration of mine
H - Hamilton - just pure genius, I love it! Along with all other musicals, I'm a musicals junkie!
I - Ireland - one of my favourite places on earth
J - Jace - of the Herondale variety. I'm a massive Mortal Instruments fan, I love those books so much!
K - Katie - one of my best friends in the whole entire world
L - Luhrmann - Of the Baz variety, I think his directing skills are works of pure brilliance and beauty
M - McDreamy - Yep, Patrick Dempsey. Grey's Anatomy is one of my favourite shows EVER!
N - Needles - I hate them, genuinely I have a panic attack whenever I see one - I have trypanophobia
O - O.J. - one of my favourite shows last year, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
P - Penguins - I'm so frickin' obsessed with them, they're just so cute!
Q - Queen - I have to many Queens to name, I could make a separate blog post about them
R - Reading - a great passion in my life, if I could read all day I would
S - Sixth Form - the biggest bane of my life currently
T - Travel - something I love and want to do so much more of
U - University - something that I've started looking at, and I'm slightly terrified
V - Venice - I'd love to take my mum here one day
W - Wales - where I was born, Cardiff to be exact
X - Xenophobia - I mean why is this even a thing? Can't equality just be a thing?
Y - Yourself - what I'm all about in 2017 and will hopefully carry into years to come
Z - Zen - something I would love to be all the time

So there it is, THE A TO Z OF ME, do you guys feel as if you know me slightly better now? The alphabet doesn't make it easy to create a list of facts about yourself, I mean X, Y and Z, who can even come up with facts for those? I did though, kind of. I want to know all about you now. If you've done a blog post like this level the link in a comment and if not I challenge you to do this, it's not as easy as it seems. Thank you to Steph again for giving me the idea to write this blog post. Hope you enjoyed!

♥

2017 GOALS.

New Year Resolutions; a promise that you make to yourself to start doing something good or stop doing something bad on the first day of the year. New Year Resolutions; a promise that gets kept for about a month and a half before falling off the bandwagon and completely giving up on the whole idea. I have been a great believer in New Years Resolutions but it seems that I have a tradition to uphold where I fail miserably at them. This year I've decided that instead of making resolutions that I will inevitably fail at that I'm going to set five personal goals that I think are relatively easy, or at least should be, to complete. Some of them might seem less important than others but they're all quite important for me to try and achieve this year.

A Year Of Self Love.
Definitely not what you think this is. So basically what this means is that I'm going to take my people pleasing, selfless ass and become an absolute boss ass bitch doing whatever the hell I want. Okay, that sounded a bit full on but you all get what I mean, right? If you don't what I basically mean is that I'm going to stop trying to do what other people want me to do and actually do what I want to do, no matter whether I have people's approval or not. If that means buying a dress that not everyone loves or going on an unplanned trip without telling everyone then I'm going to do it. I think self-care is something, possibly the main thing, that I really want to focus on this year. I always feel like I slightly neglect myself for others and that's not an okay thing, I mean I found that out last year definitely and I'm done with it so a year of self-love it is.

Get Outside.
I spend 90% of my life on the Internet. Even as I write this blog post I'm on the Internet. Whether it be for school or leisure I always seem to be on the Internet which probably isn't the best thing ever. If you saw my blog post a couple of weeks back entitled "A WALK INTO WINTER" then you'll know that I went for a walk in the park to take some photos for my little sister's Art GCSE and it then turned into a photo shoot for my blog. Anyway, I genuinely loved that day so much just for the simple fact that I got out the house and had no Internet to bother me. This year whether it be having a walk in the park, or having a fun day out with friends I want to get outside more and document it even if I don't upload it anywhere.

Get The Cat Down To A Tee.
This might sound like one of the strangest goals ever but trust me it makes sense. Just sit back and let me explain. As you all probably know, I'm a fan of makeup but one thing that I've been unable to do forever which I've always wanted to do is to do a winged eyeliner or just eyeliner in general. I've mastered the waterline and tight line when doing eyeliner put I just can't for the life of me do winged eyeliner. This year, after receiving some tips off of my best friend, I am determined to ace the cat eye without any trouble. How hard can it be right? *laughs nervously*

Pass My Driving Test.
I turn 17 in a month and two weeks which kind of terrifies me because soon I'm going to have to start doing adult things like look at universities. However, there's one thing that I want to really do this year which is slightly adult-ish and that's learning to drive and pass my driving test. I'm hoping to pass first time if all goes to plan. I'm quite an independent person and if I'm able to drive I think that'll just really help me feel like I can actually do stuff for myself. Is that how everyone feels when they pass their driving test? Yes? No? Who knows? But anyone that's one of my main goals for this year, so hopefully it'll work out.

Don't Promise To Work Out.
So I feel as if this might seem like a bit of an odd goal to achieve in 2017 seeing as at the start of a new year nearly everyone says that their New Year Resolution is to lose weight. I make this resolution every single year and I fail every single year so instead this year I've set the goal that I'm not going to focus on losing weight and I'm not particularly going to watch what I eat. If I want to order in a Domino's then I'm going to order in a Domino's and I'm not going to hate myself for it.


There they are, my five goals instead of resolutions for 2017. What I want to know from all of you is whether you set resolutions and then fail miserably or do you set goals like I have this year? If you make resolutions or goals what are they this year? I always find it really interesting to see what other people have set as their resolutions or goals for the year. I love you all and together let's kick 2017's ass, to make it the BEST YEAR EVER!

♥

A LETTER TO 2016.

Dear 2016,

Hi. It's not been that long. Even though know that we can never see each other again, I needed some closure. I thought we could reflect with one another and even though I know that you can't reply to me maybe listening won't be too bad? You've had the shining role in our relationship so maybe me expressing what I've got to say about our relationship isn't such a bad idea. We've been through a lot together. I've got a lot of reasons to thank you but I've also got a lot of reasons as to why I want to punch you in the face. You've made me share tears of joy and tears of sadness, a lot more sadness than I had expected. I've been angry, disgusted, fearful because of you, along with a whole host of other emotions. There are aspects of our relationship that I'd love to, no desperately wish that I could change but know that I can't. However, what I can do is learn and hopefully, just maybe make the year that 2017 and I have together just the slightest bit better.

I'm going to be blunt with you 2016, you were utter shit. I'm pretty sure that you hit a new level of shit. You caused so much heartbreak, pain and tears for so many people it was unbelievable but you also joined a lot of people whether it be through anger, upset or joy, you brought them together. You took too many people away; Bowie, Rickman, Michael, Ali, Yelchin, Marshall, Wilder, Reynolds, Reagan, Wood, Prince, Fisher, and a long list of others that caused so much pain that it was unbelievable. The majority of the world was shaken to the core because of politics; Brexit, Trump, terrorist attacks and more. The world stopped a lot this year, not literally but metaphorically, we all froze as you took people, took freedom, took safety. You weren't kind 2016 and as much as I'd love to forgive you, I don't think that I can for all the pain.

You weren't all bad. We had a lot of good memories together 2016, actually, we had some amazing memories together, some of the best that I've ever made! Les Misérables. My 16th Birthday. Collabro. Leaving High School. FakeFest. Prom. Passing my GCSE's. Starting Sixth Form. The Lion King. I've met some absolutely amazing people, to be honest, I don't think I could survive without half the people I've met or become closer with this year. There were a lot of downs personally; heartache, tears and adjustments but I'd take those things any day for all the amazing things we did together this year.

As we break up and I move onto 2017 I've realised what I can take from our relationship to try and make my relationship with 2017 better than ours was; I'm a boss ass bitch and doing what I want is the most important. That might sound big-headed or egotistical but I really don't care. I'm a people pleaser, I tried to please you 2016 as much as possible and to be completely honest with you it didn't do me any good; I think I let you walk over me more times that I stood up to you but that's not how it's going to be with 2017. I want to be able to do what I want and when I want it, I want to make memories that I actually want to make - not ones that you've forced me to make. I want to take little trips to visit people I love and to see things I've not seen before or to revisit my favourite places. I want to learn a new skill. I want to do all of these things and I truly believe that 2017 will let me do all of this. We were okay 2016 but I think mine and 2017's relationship will be better. I'm hopeful.

Thank you for everything 2016, you were good to me but I think 2017 will be better. You taught me a lot about myself, you made me realise what I really want and I'll forever be grateful for that.

Love,
A new boss ass bitch you created, Chloe